A pinch of Guilt – People I Met

A pinch of Guilt

It has been 2 days now with no sleep and an awaited response that is not expected much. Now checking my phone shivers my hands not because I don’t want to hear from him but because I don’t want to hear a big NO from him. It was probably better when I had never said it all, but now I curse my bursting courage that did it all.

So it is almost 7 years but I never thought of being so expressive, it is not that I never had spoken to anyone in these 7 years but it was just that he always held an irreplaceable and an exceptional place which remained consistent since all these times. The wheel of life is strange and gets back from where it started. It was earlier when I had absolute no hope of getting a response from him as he never replied on any of my comments on his posts but since the last time I dared trying it with a little stress, I got a 1 liner response. I mean I wanted to get his charm again but really for no selfish reasons but just to see his smile.

It was late in the night when I finally decided to say something, at least to initiate the loop of conversation if it could ever make him the way he was. He is honest and quiet and that’s what makes me more intense for him. With a lot of love I typed it thrice on my phone

“Hi…”

Deleted

“Hey…”

Deleted

“Did you think over?”

Deleted

Freak I am being so desperate. He has his own world and my nose that is poking might get a bad thrash now. I kept my phone aside and closed my eyes with a little drowning heart. It is tough to sleep when you are stuck but I managed to take a not so calm nap and in the morning with my first thought I picked my phone and smashed on my not so happening Whatsapp application and typed his name on the search box. So these days my phone is usually filled with a lot of messages and so I wanted an exclusive search for his message which unfortunately but as expected had no new popup. I thought of running to his city and yell at him that he was making me mad but that was impossible in this new normal of Corona. I took a swift turn and imagined his face that I saw 6 years back and told myself to stop it all.

All day went in no tasks and after an important meeting I collapsed on my bed and cried for a while, my calendar for the next meeting was shouting aloud and I just dropped it off. The day was going all bad and a lot of juggles around. Am I so bad that not a single response can pop in?

Juggled for a while and then finally realized, it is better to keep certain things unsaid; the bridge of words can make it even worse. So now I can no more have it silently with my bright eyes and have to sip in as if it never actually had happened.

Nishtha Shrivastava

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